Thinking like an average dude- On Family

In the last post, we talked about the changes that have occured, and how Ive gone from owning a gym to becoming an average dude who lives a life I am grateful for.  That required a great deal of adjustment in my thinking and how to look at things a little differently.   I think if we all rated the importance of things on a scale of 1-10 and how we are doing with certain things in our life, we could rate areas such as work, family, faith, relaxation, fun, inner peace and so on.  Where would you rate yourself on these items?  and how would that scale change as time went on?

This gorgeous woman has changed my life! 

For me, Before I met Gentry, I rated the above mentioned items as work was a 10, family was a perceived 10 although my actions probably didn't support it in the arena of dating.(and to say that, My kids were ALWAYS the most important thing when they came out for the summer because I would take the summers off to spend time with them).  I would have rated faith about a 7 or 8, however spirituality I would have rated higher at a 9 or 10, fun I would have rated at a 9, inner peace I would have rated at a 9 although inner peace was a challenging feeling to achieve and relaxation, was definitely around a 1 or 2. 


If anyone out there has ever experienced this, it is hard to balance work and family, faith and spirituality, fun and relaxation with ambition and drive, achieving your dreams with spending time quietly reflecting on how to improve their life.  Life is a balancing act.  Some of us have figured out how to walk the tightrope of life, and some of us fall off the tightrope from time to time and place power, money and wealth above all else, and some place fun, relaxation and peace above all else.

Life is about balance.  And balance is only defined by how you think and what you believe.  I used to believe that the people in my gym were of the utmost importance and that work was how I would survive.  The people I put first(my gym and work family, unless my kids were here) took precedence over my decisions and how I spent my time.  This has it's ups and downs (as you probably can guess or know)

In 1999, my life changed.  I had my first kid.  My daughter, Nicole, who is now in college.  She rocked my world, my little angel, the light of my eye.  She took my protected heart and broke through the walls of life that had covered the heart and dusted off the emotional side of me.  2 years later, my son jared, did the same thing, and two years later, even though he was born after my divorce was final, Jacob did the same thing.  I didn't bond with Jacob for quite a while because of the situation and up until about 7-8 years ago, I found it hard to let the walls totally down with him.  I look at him now and see so much of me, it's scary.

So, in 2007, when I came to work for Fresno fire, my ex wife wanted to move.  At the time, I never thought she would, but the time came and she did.  I had taken the job as a firefighter not only because I was passionate about the fire service, but because I knew it would allow me the time I needed and wanted to spend with my kids.  well, that dream got crushed when they moved to North Carolina.  The decision to allow them to move has haunted me since they left.  BUT i have tried to be the best father I can from 3000 miles away.  Sometimes I do good and sometimes I fail as a parent.  But when I talk to my kids now, I realize I must have done something right because I am still close with them.

You see, having a family didn't used to be where I ever saw myself growing up.  I was raised by my mom until I was 16 when I moved in with my dad, and he was a workaholic and an alcoholic.  Pretty addictive personality and it was passed on to me in the way i thought about work.  Even today, I have a challenge not falling into the pattern of working too much and leaving my family more than I should.  When the shit hits the fan, work is an easy escape too.  I'm much better at work than I am at adulting (wait..  am I??  Adulting definitely isn't my forte either!! )

Thinking about family now is different for me.  I have always gotten along with my mom except for my very selfish (as I look back) teenage years (which I now feel is a normal time for us to be selfish).  I have always had a place in my heart for family and tried to ensure I always "made time" for my flesh and blood, but I would say i failed to do that well back in the day when I was married.  Of course, my focus was also career..  a normal thing for a young 20's male who is trying to get hsi feet under him and survive in today's, well, back then's society.  It took it's toll.

 In today's world, I see things a little differently now.  As I have spent the last couple of years working on becoming a family man, I have had my struggles.  At one time I found it easier to go to work at times than to deal with the struggles we may have had at home.  It's not necessarily a healthy way of thinking, but it was a way of thinking.  For those of you out there who think going to work is easier than dealing with the shit you have, trust me.. the shit follows you.  The funny thing is, wherever you go, there you are... and so are all of the things you bring with you!  (I guess I am learning to handle my shit instead of going to work to run away from it...  who knew???)

You see, average dudes… let’s bring it back to the ridiculous and bring it back a bit.  You see,  as an average dude,  My biological thought process goes back to the hunter/gatherer days.  Back in the old times, we were trained to hunt and gather, leaving the nurturing to the women in our lives.  Think about it for a second.  Cavemen.. they were hunters, gatherers providing for their family, going out to gather food to bring back to prepare.  So this inane genetic thought process comes in our DNA.  We are good at working, providing for the family.  This average dude feels his main responsibility is to provide for the family.  I think if you talk to most average guys, we feel a need to provide for our family, to go to work and make ends meet.  It is in recent times though that women are working, and working more.  It has made for a transition into a new mode of thinking.  It’s a hard way of thinking for men I think, to be at home taking care of things while the women work as well.  And let’s face it, in today;s society, we are all so “busy” with sports, and activities it makes it hard sometimes for the provider type of thinking to exist full force. 

There use to be a day where men were men and they took care of the property, the things that needed to be fixed.  It’s been an adjustment to have to also take care of the family.  It challenges our DNA and challenges who we are.  We want to (at least I think most upstanding dudes) want to be a good provider for the family as well as a good role model for our kids.  This requires learning how to not put work above family, even though our DNA tells us differently. 

So what does this mean for the average dude and his way of thinking?   It means we have had to adjust to a new era, and to realize that success is not only on the work front, but on the home front as well.  It sometimes becomes a challenge to want to be at home AND to want to be at work.  It is a juggling act to ensure we are providing what we feel we need to provide and also be a good father/role model for our kids and an amazing significant other/spouse.  It also means a new role of support for your spouse or significant other and realizing how much they are doing and appreciating the amount of work on their end as well. With the advent of the high divorce rate, it is more and more that women are no longer stay at home moms, and they have to go to work as well, which leaves the average dude with a new perspective as well.  How do we also support our significant other in the roles of the household and take care of things at home too?  

 

I work with a lot of family oriented dudes and we still love our job and work more overtime than we probably should, but it is a tug of war between when the family is off, spending time with the family and picking up that overtime shift to provide a better life for the kids.  It's also a struggle to realize that the time is all we have with our loved ones and with our profession, we probably recognize it more, but don't always act on it. 

So now, we are in a conundrum, a challenge to our existence and our "old" way of thinking.  The adjustments are easier for some and still challenging for others.  BUT here's the cool thing...  you can still live your dreams, and put your family above everything else as well.  (now, please don't think I count other things in their at the top of the priority list as well)   

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This is crazy shit…   Next post, I would like to talk a little more about this whole “real dude” change that is happening in todays society and what that means to me.  Stay tuned.... more controversial stuff to come.